[ ♡ ] Blabbing, Stresses, and agingPosted: December 27, 2010
I don’t usually use this blog as a venting venue but I once tried managing two wordpress blogs on the same account and failed miserably so my days of separating blogs based on interests are over. Instead of blogging my thoughts, you’ve only seen my purchases but I need a place to mull things over so I guess this blog will now become sort of mish mash of everything.
Today Malila revealed to the group something that I was completely unprepared to hear. She said that within the next year, probably next fall, her and her boyfriend Tous would be getting married. It completely took me off guard, I was thinking more like the next 3 to 5 years, not next year. It stressed me out! I’m just not ready for it!
It doesn’t make sense I know. Its her marriage, so why should I be stressed about it. But honestly it was just like a smack in the face telling me that we’re getting old and we’re reaching that age where the pressures of growing up are finally at full force and we’re actually succumbing to letting our careless days go. I think I just fear it will be like a domino effect. First its her, then someone else and eventually everyrone will be married with kids except for me and Choua. Maybe I’m just not ready for our group of friends to turn into those groups of couples with kids who hang out together as couples and families. Maybe I’m desperately hanging onto my youth? I don’t know. This news coupled with my recent affinity for more mature clothes is making my brain reel.
Lately when I shop, I only buy work clothes and everything I buy I look at with deference to how other people will view me and how appropriate it is for my age. Its crazy! I used to never care. For me, it was always fashion that superseded rules and stigmas but now that I’m older, out of college and entering my work life I’ve started to reevaluate that and try to be more cognizant of how I appear. I just don’t want to be one of those ladies that walk into a store and all the younger shoppers stare at. You know, that 45 year old woman that lugs her kids around forever21 grabbing the same clothes off the rack as the 18 year old. I don’t want to be that lady! Whenever I see that lady at my store, I want to walk out and find something else.
It sounds dramatic but seriously, it’s a little offensive to me that women that old are trying to wear the same clothes I wear. Its like they’re poaching my style and my store. I don’t know, maybe I’m the weird one.
I guess I just don’t want to get old and news of Malila’s marriage is forcing me to face the fact that I am getting older. It’s not really the age thing or the wrinkle thing that bothers me, it’s the fact that things are changing. I’ve always been the worst handler of change, in fact I avoid it like the plague.
Last year, in January, I said to myself, “this is the last year we can all be like this and party like this together. After this year, things will change and people will go their own ways” I never realized until now how right I was in that prediction. In the past few weeks and months I felt like everyone has been drifting apart and we’re all going our separate ways. Of course this is natural though considering last year lot of us graduated and started jobs. But its also the fact that people who are in relationships are getting serious, and people who were not in relationships are finding relationships. Soon we will be adults with our own lives. I always thought I’d be the one to move away and I still intend to do that but I always thought I’d be gone before the group really grew up and got families of their own. I don’t know. Its sort of a reminder that I haven’t done what I wanted it and a nagging pressure that its time I pick up my pace and make something more of my life. Its time for things to fall into place and for me to start doing what I want to do before I get left behind by all those who are starting families and realizing their own dreams.
It’s even harder on me because my future has never included marriage or kids so I will of course be completely out of place when they all have kids and families and I walk in with my blackberry and LV(wishful thinking lol.) Maybe I’m realizing that we don’t have a common future and I need to do something for myself before I find I’m the lone person whose unmarried and childless and then I start thinking about those things for myself just to retain some common ground with them. I don’t know. I feel like I’m babbling but it’s starting to make sense. I need to get my life where I’ve always imagined it to be or I will fall into that marriage and kids trap. I think that is my actual fear, it’s not age or wrinkles or growing apart that scares me; it’s the fear that if I’m not where I want to be life and career wise then I have no reason for not getting married or not having kids. So I guess my fear is amounting to being nothing other than wife and mother.